Tonight I am huddled inside attempting to stay warm as the frigid wind pushes soundlessly against the window panes. Since returning to the Wisconsin winter of my youth I have been seeking to reconcile myself with the cold enough to nourish that part of my being that requires daily moments with the unbridled earth. I foray a few blocks from my mother’s home and am able to appreciate the sun glinting against the crystalline snow and the insular silence that comes from everything being frozen. I am able to appreciate these things for a few moments before my tearing eyes and my stinging thighs take the better part of my attention and all I can think about is moving to get warm.

Three years ago I was living in the northern Wisconsin wilderness, cloaked in only woolen garments and large pack boots, hanging onto survival in the long winter months without any inside to return to when I was cold. I was a participant in the Wilderness Guide Program at a primitive skills school in the Great Lakes Region where I and 13 others were challenged to survive a year in the woods as trapper/gatherers. Just this morning I was joking about using a snow-covered stick to wipe my butt whilst taking care of business, outside, in a frigid clime; like a very cold wet wipe!

Now I am shivering in the house, lamenting the very winter that gifted me so much when I chose to acclimatize and embrace my bodies innate ability to handle these temperatures, years ago. After living in Maui and then California, the harshness is almost shocking and I can no longer identify with the me of yesteryear. Something about this bothers me, its near intangibility barely knocking at the door of my awareness whispering of what has been pushed away or forgotten.

We watched a movie today near the warmth of the fire, in which a woman lives in Nature and meets a man who was raised to believe he is a monkey and their adventures into the highly civilized world and then back again to the woods. I was dismayed when at the end of the movie, the ape-man who had publicly denounced sterile civility and proclaimed his return to the natural life of harmony made a last ditch effort to return again to “comfort” claiming he was cold and hungry. My heart fell and perhaps I even felt guilt as I identified with this character. The movie seemed to say, we have been so separated from the Nature around us that even the most hard-core of survivors, once faced with the spoils of civilization, won’t be able to resist its lures.

Is this true? Well, from a personal perspective, I have experienced that it is something very deep and insistent that causes me to desire a life intricately entwined with the wilderness. I also recognize that this presents itself in people to varying degrees, with some on the extreme who perhaps feel no recognizeable longing to connect with the wild at all. The insistent strength of this connection to Nature within me makes it possible to overcome the temporary discomforts that present themselves during the initial change in environment. However, having been raised with these civilized “spoils” all around me, and depending on things like the toilet and refrigerator to fulfill my basic needs , making the shift to “natural” is quite shocking and admittedly feels unnatural at first. A lot of basic comfort is surrendered in exchange for the gradual sense of greater fulfillment that ensues.

I do however miss challenging myself in this way. I inspire myself to relocate the feelings of wonder, gratitude and calm when I am outdoors, even if just in the city park. I challenge myself to get out of the house and remember how good it feels to interface with the fresh chill of Winter. Little by little, I suspend my doubts of discomfort and surrender to my soul’s need for wildness. Perhaps if each one of us took the time to explore the boundaries of our discomfort with the wild, we would find that the enjoyable moments as well as the lasting feeling of well-being would make it worth our while. Extending this idea further, this small movement toward reconciliation with our surroundings could mean tipping the scales in how each one of us plans to care for the Earth and her resources. Well with that I’m off, stay warm and enjoy the cold!